To My Family’s Wet Towels That Have Been Have Left All Over The Floor: Please Self-Optimize

Dudes, it’s 11 am, Tim Ferriss has already drank two cups of his bulletproof coffee or whatever — — Have you no goals? You are still laying on the bathroom floor.

Morning pages! Chop chop! Artists’s Way!

Have you listened to any of the mindset podcasts I sent you?

Did you not download that On Being episode?

Get up. It’s pretty much a fact that you are going to mildew.

Don’t tell me you are practicing Zen-like “non-duality.” There is a difference between neatly folded on the towel rack and not. It’s visibly different.

Oh really? You do your best thinking piled up with a a wet washcloth on your face? How’s that working out for your #goals? What would Seneca do?

I’m on to you. I’m a regular listener of Oprah’s SuperSoul podcast. We create our own abundance. It’s field theory. Quit complaining that life is so hard.

It’s “egoic mind, attachment to form” and “suburban motherhood’s societal standards” that I want you dry and neatly folded? You are fucking right it is. Amen.

Don’t you use Eckhart Tolle with me, mister. Your pain body? How about my inlaws are coming for Thanksgiving?

You want me to pick you up? No. I refuse to be co-dependent.

Pick yourselves up. Get started by writing down ten ideas like James Altucher every day because nine of them will be bad ideas.

Ahhh, I see one of you has made it to the toilet seat, where you are, what — listening to classic Tony Robbins CDs? gathering energy? Let’s see some badassity, Mr. Money Mustache.

Hear that? That it is the sound of a snail climbing Mt. Fuji *and* recording its progress in a nice-looking leather-bound bullet journal with one of those cool space pens listening on AirPods to Paula Pant recommending it buy a rental property.

Have you asked the washcloths about their side hustle? I told them you’d reach out by Friday.

If a snail can climb Mt. Fuji what’s stopping you from reaching the washing machine and achieving Financial Independence?

Start that podcast. Get some abs. Save 75% of your salary. I want to see some results: clean, dry, put away, results. DON’T GIVE ME EXCUSES.

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